this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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