I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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