My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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