i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
