As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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