Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
