Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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