Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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