Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
