shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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