You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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