can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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