hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Everyone says I win the strip club
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
