So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
