its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
