apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
