if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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