I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize