When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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