my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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