Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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