That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
