i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
