I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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