I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
