I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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