shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
