He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize