explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
