Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
