cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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