Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
