its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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