Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
