I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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