Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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