my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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