my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
