im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
