I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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