You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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