Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
