No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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