i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
