i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
