they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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