I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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