Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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