She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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