he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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