I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
