Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
