There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
