I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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