insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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