someone threw a dead crab at me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
