i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
