I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize