He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
