I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
