Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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