right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
