I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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