i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
