hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
