I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
