I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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