i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
