there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
