I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
