I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
