Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
