I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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