we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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