Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
