my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
